Father, it’s been four hundred and fifty seven years since my last confession.

I’ve sinned much.

I’ve masturbated countless times and on occasion to images so perverted, disgusting, and horrible that they are unmentionable.

I’ve been envious, jealous, and mean and hateful to the un-deserved and deserved alike.

I’ve made many white lies, little lies, and I have misled.

I’ve been inconsistent, false, and slothful countless times.

I’ve been thoroughly agnostic.

I’ve taken god’s name in vain and enjoyed it.

I’ve cursed and used very foul language with glee.

I’ve denounced Christianity, blasphemed and committed heresy in utter confidence and joy.

I’ve engaged in lust.

I’ve completely lost all respect for my parents, and do not honor them.

I have coveted a little, here and there.

I have mistreated  my poor cat.

I was gluttonous one time.

I have seen through god.

I’ve had premarital sex countless times with many women.

And I plan on continuing with all of these sins, as they have become dear to me.

In Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti,

Amen.

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